Falling leaves make me cry... Let me explain to you why. In 2006,on this date November 6, I traveled to the city to have lunch with Rinda at her school. It was her freshman year in high school. Much to my surprise I WAS NOT allowed to see her. We'd gone to have lunch with her during elementary school and middle school. It was the only way we'd been able to see her since 4th grade, when Rinda's Mother began denying us visitation.
It had already been a difficult year for our family. In early 2006, Rinda's Grandma Esther (Rinda's Dad's mother) had died without being able to see her granddaughter's beautiful smile for the last several years of her life. Rinda was not allowed to even go to the funeral which was held there locally near Rinda's home. In the middle of 2006, Rinda's Dad's grown daughter's mother died suddenly without warning. It was a terrible tragedy, she was a kind and dedicated mother and loved by all members of both families.
When I took the road trip to have lunch with Rinda, I carried with me a handful of stuff to give her, letters, photos and a souvenir from our trip to Mexico. I went into the school office to sign in and waited to get my visitors pass. The school secretary called me in to explain that neither Rinda's Dad or I was on the approved access list. She explained that she was calling Rinda's Mother to get her permission to allow me to have lunch with Rinda.I remember thinking at the time, "well, the worse thing that could happen was that Rinda's Mother would say no". The secretary said that Rinda's Mother said "They haven't even bothered to see Rinda since 2001". I was shocked to learn that Rinda had kept our school lunch visits a secret from her mom for the past five years. The secretary said she was going to find Rinda. I waited and waited. Eventually she came back & said that she was unable to locate Rinda at the moment and to call back to the school at 1pm.
When I called back the secretary told me that Rinda had declined my visit. My heart broke into a million pieces. She said she told Rinda that her mother said for her to go tell her that she'd been contacted and see IF she still wanted to see me or not. What a mess. I just wanted to have lunch with Rinda and it turned into a fiasco. Unintentionally I'd caused Rinda to be put in the middle again. Trying not to allow Rinda to be put in the middle was something Rinda's Dad and I had made so many sacrifices for her benefit. Why didn't Rinda's Mother just say yes or no instead of putting Rinda on the spot. I couldn't understand it, but back then I didn't understand the tactics of Parental Alienation. I'd seen Rinda at school just five months earlier and she was thrilled to see me. We talked, laughed and took lots of photos.
I drove back out of state. I emailed Rinda & asked for an explanation. She responded by saying she was "really, really sorry" but that's just the way it has to be. She continued to say that she was doing really great without her Dad & I. When I emailed her back, she lost her temper and got mean with me. She said that she didn't need us and she didn't want us in her life. She said IF her Dad & I really cared about her then we would just leave her alone and just live her life, which was like a drowning person saying "If you really care, you'll just let go of my hand and let me drown. It was like what a missing person answering their door when someone has a gun to their head and saying "nothings wrong....I'm just fine....go away!!!!"
It was the first time EVER that Rinda said that she didn't want to see us. If there is a word stronger than devastated....that is what we were.
For the next few weeks I'd sit in front of the window in our spare room, re-reading her emails & watching the leaves fall from the giant oak tree that has stood next to our house for the past 100 years. I examined each of her words, one by one, looking for clues to explain how she could be so cold & cruel. I read all of her emails over and over as I watched those brown, dry, dead leaves fall one by one, day by day, week by week.
Despite my normally upbeat personality and positive attitude, I slowly slipped into a state of depression. I sat in front of that window, crying quietly, with heavy warm tears streaming how my face. I watched those leaves fall day after day until the big oak stood bare of all leaves. Then I watched the wind blow the leaves around the yard thinking that Rinda would not be magically reconnected to us anymore than those leaves would magically reconnect themselves to the old oak. November turned into December and December turned into January 2007.
In January 2007, My Mother died unexpectedly and suddenly my focus was FORCED to redirect to having to deal with the horrendous task left for me, as my mother's first born child and executor of her estate.
Grandma Betty absolutely adored Rinda. Previously they talked on the phone often and made their big plans for their next visit. Grandma Betty handmade clothes, knitted & crocheted for Rinda. They were "thicker than thieves" and it was very hard to tell which one of them was more enchanted with the other. Grandma Betty had been waiting for literally years for her only granddaughter's return to our family. In 46 years of being My Mother's daughter, the only true regret I had was the decision to share the content of Rinda's angry November emails with my mom. When I read them to her...she reacted as though I'd just slapped her in the face AND kicked her in the stomach at the same time.
I do believe that sharing that information shortened her life, that it caused her to lose all hope of the long awaited reunion with Rinda which gave her the single purpose to continue to hang on to life. Within two months, her badly broken heart stopped and she was gone from our lives forever.
Before November 6, 2006, I had always so enjoyed the changing of the seasons....sunny autumn days and seeing the trees change colors.
Now....the sight of the falling leaves always makes me cry...................
